Closer cards

100 questions to ask your partner to feel closer

Ten themes, ten questions each. Some are deep, some are silly, and a few are the kind you only think to ask after years together. Ask them out loud and let the conversation wander.

How to use these questions

  • Pick one theme for the evening instead of racing through all 100.
  • Take turns. When your partner answers, answer the same question yourself.
  • Follow up before moving on: “What else?” or “When did you first notice that?”
  • Either of you can pass on a question. You can always come back to it.
  • Put your phones face down, unless one of you is reading the questions from it.

Who you are becoming

You fell in love with a version of them that has already changed. Ask these questions.

  1. What is something you used to love that just isn’t you anymore?
  2. What have you changed your mind about since we met?
  3. What is something you do now that your younger self would be proud of?
  4. What have you outgrown that people still expect from you?
  5. What do you wish I would ask you about more?
  6. What part of your personality has surprised you lately?
  7. What matters less to you now than it did five years ago?
  8. What are you learning to stop apologizing for?
  9. What is a label you would like people to stop using for you?
  10. What is something you are still figuring out about yourself?

The person you were before us

Some of your partner’s best stories are just waiting for the right question.

  1. What did a perfect afternoon look like when you were ten?
  2. What small kindness from your childhood do you still remember?
  3. What did you think made someone cool when you were a teenager?
  4. What place from your childhood would you take me to first?
  5. What did you secretly hope people would notice about you growing up?
  6. What song brings back a version of you I never knew?
  7. Who made you feel capable before you believed it yourself?
  8. What family routine did you assume everyone had?
  9. What object from your childhood would you love to find again?
  10. What story would an old friend tell that would surprise me?

The beginning of us

You were on the same dates. You might remember completely different love stories.

  1. What did you notice about me before we ever spoke?
  2. What were you trying to play cool about when we first started dating?
  3. What tiny detail from an early date do you still remember?
  4. When did you first want to tell someone about me?
  5. What did you misunderstand about me at first?
  6. What ordinary moment made being together start to feel natural?
  7. What early message from me made you smile at your phone?
  8. What were you nervous to let me see about you?
  9. What did you hope I would do after one of our first dates?
  10. What would you tell the version of yourself who was about to meet me?

Love in the small details

Something you barely remember doing might be their favorite thing about loving you.

  1. What small thing I do makes you feel especially considered?
  2. What moment in an ordinary day do you most look forward to sharing with me?
  3. When do you feel that you have my full attention?
  4. What is something I remember about you that means more than I realize?
  5. What kind of greeting feels best after we have been apart all day?
  6. What is one quiet way you show love that I might overlook?
  7. What do I do that makes a place feel like home to you?
  8. What kind of compliment stays with you the longest?
  9. What is your favorite way for us to spend twenty minutes together?
  10. What recent moment between us would you put in a photo album, even though nobody took a picture?

The things that make us ridiculous

Ask your partner these questions if you want the conversation to get slightly ridiculous.

  1. What completely useless skill would you love for us to master together?
  2. If our relationship had a customer review, what would the funniest complaint be?
  3. What harmless opinion would you defend with an unnecessarily detailed presentation?
  4. What would our pet, or a pet we might have, complain about if it could talk?
  5. Which of us would get too competitive at a hobby neither of us understands?
  6. What everyday task deserves dramatic entrance music when you do it?
  7. If we swapped personalities for a day, what would you do first?
  8. What would teenage you find funniest about our life now?
  9. What imaginary award have I earned this month?
  10. If we had to enter a talent show tomorrow, what would our act be?

Feeling understood on hard days

Knowing someone is having a hard day is different from knowing what helps. Ask them.

  1. What usually drains you that other people seem to find easy?
  2. What is the first sign that you are running out of energy?
  3. When you are overwhelmed, what kind of help is easiest to accept?
  4. What well meant response tends to make you feel less understood?
  5. How can I tell when you want company but do not want to talk?
  6. What helps you feel like yourself after a difficult day?
  7. What do you wish people understood about the way you handle pressure?
  8. What is something you are carrying lately that I may not have noticed?
  9. What would make it easier to tell me you need a break?
  10. When everything feels urgent, what could we agree can wait?

Finding each other again

Ask these on a calm day, before the next conversation gets difficult.

  1. What helps you feel heard when we see something differently?
  2. What do you need a pause in a difficult conversation to include?
  3. What wording helps you hear a concern without feeling accused?
  4. What does a meaningful apology sound like to you?
  5. How can we signal that we want to try a conversation again more gently?
  6. What part of your point do you worry gets lost when you are upset?
  7. After we resolve something, what helps you feel close again?
  8. What issue would be easier to discuss if we chose a better time or place?
  9. What assumption about your intentions would you like me to check more often?
  10. What have we learned to handle better together?

Staying attracted and affectionate

You might be doing something wildly attractive without knowing it. Ask your partner.

  1. What ordinary thing do I do that you find unexpectedly attractive?
  2. When was the last time you looked at me and thought, “I still have a crush on you”?
  3. What kind of flirting from me always gets your attention?
  4. What is a favorite memory of us being affectionate outside of a special occasion?
  5. What makes a date feel romantic to you, even when we spend very little?
  6. What kind of affection do you wish we made more time for?
  7. When do you feel most comfortable and confident around me?
  8. What helps you shift from a busy day into enjoying time together?
  9. What is something we used to do while dating that you would like to bring back?
  10. What would a genuinely fun evening for just the two of us look like right now?

The life we have not lived yet

You talk about next weekend. Have you asked about the life they are quietly imagining?

  1. What would you want an ordinary day in our life to feel like ten years from now?
  2. What adventure would you like us to have before we talk ourselves out of it?
  3. What do you want people to feel when they spend time in our home?
  4. What personal dream would you like me to cheer you on through?
  5. What tradition could we start now and still enjoy when we are old?
  6. What would you like us to make more room for in the next year?
  7. What would you happily own less of if it gave us more time together?
  8. What would you want us to try if we did not have to be good at it?
  9. What part of our life would you hope stays familiar even if everything else changes?
  10. What decision could we make this month that our future selves might thank us for?

The questions that linger

One of these questions could turn a normal evening into a conversation you remember.

  1. What is something about your life that you hope I never take for granted?
  2. What do you wish you could show me instead of having to explain it?
  3. What is a brave thing you did that very few people know about?
  4. What part of yourself do you find easiest to share with me?
  5. What do you hope I understand about you that you struggle to put into words?
  6. What have you forgiven yourself for that once felt impossible?
  7. What would you like to be remembered for by the people closest to you?
  8. What is something beautiful in your life that you only noticed recently?
  9. What is a question you have wanted to ask me but have not found the moment for?
  10. What answer from tonight would you like us to do something with?